From my deep heart

Sometimes, I think about my life. Am I happy? Is everything making me happy? Am I making myself happy? I could leave and get away from it. I could back to who I do know. I could look for something that wouldn't make me so tired, but happy.
Maybe, I'm losing what I was supposed to win. In my present I guess how the future will look like. If, in the future, everything was perfect. That's (what is happenning) is everything that I looked for. I knew that would be easy. But it's not, I was wrong. But it's not a mistake.
I know God loves me. And if it was worse to me, God wouldn't let me come. So, I'm here. That's the best way. That's what my God says to me. I gotta believe. I have to. I know I'll cry at night, but no one will see me but God. I know my tears will be dryed by my laughs, when my turn to forget arrives.
I believe that there is only one who I can trust. But there are a lot of people that live in my heart and all of these people will wait me a half, one, two, five years. I just can't be late, maybe late brings death. If it happens, I will look back and say "I can't believe that I didn't enjoy them". I'm so young. I'm so old. I'm young and old enough to decide.
Now, I can't stand. I wish I could get away with it, but I can't. I don't want to give up. I wouldn't be shame if I did, but I don't. I'm just trying to say that is difficult to say goodbye, even on telephone. But worse is not say hello, even in dreams.